A world of possibilities

One week

In one week from today we will learn whether we are having a son or a daughter!  I have been thinking, trying to figure out what other types of information does one acquire in their life that carries that much meaning?   This question carries so much signficance, that I'm not sure I've ever awaited any other with this much enthusiasm (well next to knowing if our surrogate was indeed pregnant!)  This is a very close second.   We will be going out to see our surrogate and attend the doctors appointment where you we will learn the gender.  Though I have been on the phone for all other appointments, this is the first one that we will actually attend in person, and I can't wait! 

We are in our 18th week of pregnancy now, making our baby the size of a mango!  We have come so far from the poppy seed we once knew!  Ha!  Time really does feel like it's moving quickly, and I feel as if the baby will be here before we know it!  We are about at the midway point now, and it feels like yesterday we were looking at our little one in that pitrie dish!

What has been great about life recently, is I got through my medical testing and now I feel less anxious and worried about that - so I can focus more on the excitement about the baby!  I saw my oncologist last week, and got to share the new with her.  She was so happy for us, and had tears in her eyes when she said "wow, that is one lucky baby!"  It was nice to share that with her, after years of anxiety at our appointments about wanting to preserve my fertility, to the appointments where I kept hoping to get an answer that I could carry a pregnancy myself, to asking her last year about fertility options, to letting her know that we are going to have a family!  What a great thing to share with the woman who has been there for me over the past 8 years through all this cancer crap!

She also told me, get this - that I am doing so well - and so many years out - that I can chose if I even want to continue with my monitoring appointments any more!!! WHAT?!  You mean you don't think I need to have follow up much at all?  She said that I could continue w/ my yearly appointments/ CT scans/ labs if I want but I don't have to.  I could just be monitored by my GP.  HUH??? I guess I was under the assumption that once you have cancer, an oncologist will always be a part of your life.   I told her that I wasn't ready to cut that cord just yet.  And asked for a script dated a year from now for my testing.   Frankly, I am not sure I will ever feel ready.  I know that the radiation from CT scans aren't good for you.  So I might ditch those around my 10 year out point.  But my lab work and exams.  I don't know if I can be rid of that, the whole idea makes me anxious.  I feel as if keeping a watchful eye on things (though it does create anxiety when testing comes around) make me feel in control and aware.  I think my anxiety would be more so if I hadn't had testing for a long while.  So, for now I will keep that script and see how it feels.  Maybe I will wait a year and a half if all feels well.  Well see.

But, I kind of feel like for someone who went through all of this stuff - I could not have had much of a better outcome.  Going on 8 years later - I am well, my doc wants me to go away, and I am still having a baby regardless.  A baby that will be identified as male or female in ONE WEEK!!!! 

Heartbeat

Yesterday, I heard our child's heartbeat for the first time!  Yes, that means we are expecting, that our surrogate is officially pregnant.  She is currently at 10 weeks, and yesterday she was so kind as to hold the phone up to the ultrasound machine so that I could hear the heartbeat for the first time.  Words cannot describe the joy and happiness that sound brought me!

Let's backtrack.  Our embryo transfer was in June, and we waited patiently for the results of a blood test to see if our surrogates numbers were climbing.   What excitement that was to find out that indeed the transfer did take, and she was producing some great numbers.  In fact, her HCG levels were so high we were initially considering if she could possibly pregnant with twins.  We found out at her 7 week ultrasound that was not the case, and indeed there was just one healthy baby!  To be honest, there was a bit of disappointment with that news as the idea of having twins was becoming more and more possible.  But, at the same time - I feel completely blessed to have any children - so beggars can't be choosers. 

In addition to being over the top excited, my anxiety has certainly being kicked up ( what else is new?)  Not that I am anxious about the pregnancy, as I completely trust our surrogate to take excellent care of our growing fetus.  I am also not really anxious about becoming a parent, as I feel I am as ready as I will ever be - and after years of waiting for it to happen - I feel pretty confident.   Even though, I have had all sorts of baby dreams lately.  My personal favorite being that our baby was born very early, and was the size of a 6 month old at birth.  I remember asking the doctor in my dream if our baby is going to be a giant! LOL.  So I guess subconsciously there is some anxiety there.

But my anxiety of course is related to my experience with cancer.  It's one thing to think about going through cancer when you are single, or in a relationship.  It's a whole other thing to think about cancer in relation to being a part of a family and raising a child together.  Having a child, means you want to be around for a loooooong while.  And one thing that going through cancer can do - is it makes your view of the future seem very uncertain.  So, at a time where I am looking forward to having a long future as a mom - it scares me to think about the uncertainties of things.  So, with that said, I have regressed back to thinking that all of my little quirks and ailments are about cancer.  I am back to going to the doctor more frequently to get benign things checked out just to be safe.  For example, I had a bump under my tongue that took me to the dentist twice and then to an oral surgeon who told me it was a clogged salivary gland!  I was convinced I had oral cancer, and that is what it was!  Who even knew that could happen!!! 

I don't know if this feeling will continue to increase as the pregnancy continues, or perhaps even once the child is here.  I guess when you think about how much you have to live for - you don't want to imagine anything coming along and jeopardizing that.  But when I start to get a little nutty, I just keep thinking about out sweet baby's heartbeat, and all is just fine :)

 

Keeping it green

I can't believe today is my 7 year  cancerversary.  Wow, time really flies.  I can remember that day so vividly.  I guess those types of memories don't really leave you.  Like the memory of being wheeled into the operating room, and feeling the cold sterile air.  Or the anxiety of not knowing what you are giong to wake up to hearing from your doctor.  Or the feeling of pure ease once you are told that the cancer is not detected anylonger.  All expereinces from this day that I won't forget.  Frankly, I don't want to because it helps "keep it green."  I was once told by one of my students that she learned one of the slogans in AA is to "keep it green," meaning to always remember where you came from so that it is a reminder of how far you have come.  I always think about that when I start having some flashbacks or thoughts about my cancer experience.  Just keepin it green.

 

Patience

I am waiting for the phone to ring, patiently.  Today is a very important day - I am waiting to find out if our surrogate is pregnant with our child. 

Let's rewind a bit.  I mentioned before that my husband and I had come to a decision that we were going to have a family!  We agreed that surrogacy was going to be the best means for us to do so.  In October, 2010 we began researching and gathering information on this amazing process.   We decided to use a surrogacy agency, because we found it very difficult to understand and navigate the process without having such guidance.   We met with a few agencies, and were totally made to feel comfortable and at ease as they walked us through what the next 18 months would look like.  I know it's only 9 months of pregnancy, but they warned us that there is an average of 9 months to get everything in order so that we are ready to get pregnant.

So we signed on with our agency in December, and our next step was to be matched with a surrogate.  We were told this could take several months, as they take their time screening their surrogates and we should just be patient as we wait for that call.   Surprisingly in January, we were told they had a potential match for us.  We were shocked. however, we were told immediately that the woman lived in a state where our names were not put on the birth certificate immediately.  So we dismissed her as a possibility because this was something we knew we wanted.  And we were waiting again.  In February, we were told that we had another potential match.  Trying to be cautious and not too excited we agreed to look at her profile.

Our initial thoughts were that she sounded really great, but we were scared to commit as we hadn't seen any other profiles.  We spoke with our "journey coordinator" who felt that most couples match with their first or second candidate, and that they do the screening for us - so that we can just go with our gut about whether or not she was the right woman to be our surrogate. 

So, we agreed to speak with her and then decide if we want to be matched.  We had a skype call, and were surprised at how easy she was to talk to and down to earth she was.  Not that I am sure what we expected, but I think we were prepared for the first interactions to be more awkward that it was.  We hung up and immediately emailed the agency saying we felt great about our talk, and would like to be considered to be matched.  She said we now have to wait to get her response if she feels the same.  Thankfully, we didn't need to wait that long - as she too responded quickly and felt the same way.

From this point on we were matched, and committed to moving through this process together.  Over the next few months, we spoke weekly to our surrogate and began to get to know her more and more.  With each contact, we just felt more and more secure that this was a great person, and that we were truly fortunate to have her in our lives and willing to carry our child for us.  Going into this process, I was not sure what type of women we would meet who decide to become surrogates.   But I knew that she surpassed any kind of expectations we had, she is wonderful! 

Simultaneously, we began looking for our egg donor.  Being that when I was ill, I was unable to preserve any of my eggs. as they found cancer in both ovaries.  For me, this was the most challenging part of the process thus far.  Searching for a donor, it's amazing how hyper aware you become at what characteristics are important in a person.  Obviously for us, healthy history was very important.  We wanted to make sure there was not a strong cancer history in her family.  Intelligence, was an important trait - but how is it measured?  We were given SAT scores, GPA's, education level etc.  But how does one interpret how smart someone is without meeting them.  And looks, someone that looks like me - that is more attractive - has characteristics that would "fit in" with our family.  Suddenly, this process can make you feel really shallow.  Thankfully, we found a young lady, whose profile stood out as it as thoughtful and seemed to be really personable.  We told the clinic we would like to consider her, but we had to wait to find ut if she was willing to donate to us what her availability was.  Again, we were waiting patiently.  Thankfully, she agreed to be our egg donor - and all the pieces were falling into place!

In March, we got to meet our surrogate in person!  She needed to come to the fertility clinic for a standard medical exam.  So we spent the afternoon with her, and knew that she would be going back home to start her medication regimine to get her body ready to carry the pregnancy.  She seemed to be adapting fine, and she was responding as she should. 

We were told that she would need to be on her medications for about 6 weeks, and that we would be looking at our embryo transfer in June.    The weeks leading up to the transfer, were difficult as we just wanted it to happen already.  But before we knew it, the week was here. 

The donor's eggs were retrieved, our embryos had fertilized and we were ready to go!  Our surrogate came in (did I mention she lives across the country in Utah?) and so it began.  My husband and I got to  be in the room for the actual transfer as we watched our embryos on a tv screen, and then saw on a sonogram as they placed the embryos in our surrogates uterus.  It was crazy and absolutely amazing, to witness that.

For the last 9 days, we have all been waiting.  Our surrogate flew back home, and we have been hoping that her body responds the embryo (s) stick.  This past week has been rough, between the anxiety, excitement and just overall energy - has been getting to me.  I haven't really been sleeping, been eating more - as I really try to be patient. 

Today, our surrogate went to the clinic to get her blood drawn to see if her HCG level has increased to let us know that it seems as if the pregnancy might have taken.   So, here we are after all this time waiting, to find out if she is pregnant, to find out if we are expecting, to see if this whole process worked....

Just waiting, patiently. 

Passing of time

Wow, I had no idea how long it has been since I have blogged.  To be honest, I have actually tried really hard to move away from most things "cancer related" over the past year.  I began to feel as if I was torturing myself by constantly thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it - and just decided to pull back.  As my therapist had said, I was ready to put cancer behind me and not let it be in my face so much.  So, I guess my blog went right along with that way of thinking. 

I went through a very sad, and upsetting period of dealing with the aftermath of my cancer.  Thankfully, I remain disease free (knock on wood) but once you have had cancer - it never really leaves you.  I have been left to deal with post menopause symptoms like hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings.  I recently found out that I am on the verge of having Osteoporosis due to lacking estrogen and my bones are decreasing in mass at a more rapid rate then the should.  Not to mention that I swear my body looks and feels more like an older woman then I actually am!   And of course the biggest aftershock of cancer for me, accepting my infertility.

After watching several close friends have children, I realized that I could no long avoid the issue as much as I tried.  I skipped baby showers, and children's birthday parties all to try to avoid being upset at the idea that I wouldn't be able to have a child.  Not only did I avoid being exposed to the world of families, but I avoided talking about it with anyone - including my husband.  I became fearful about bringing up the topic out of concern that my husband and I would not be on the same page about how to have a family. 

I hung desparetly onto the idea that I might be able to carry a pregnancy.  Rewind back 7 years and I made the decision not to have the full hysterectomy when doctors recommended it - I kept my uterus so I might have the option of carrying someday.  But, when the time came and I consulted with my doctors - nobody could tell me I would be safe from cancer recurrence if I did carry.  That was not a gamble we were prepared to take.  It took me a while to accept that my initial hopes of still experiencing a pregnancy was not going to happen. 

Once that reality set in, I began exploring what other options there were for us to have a family.  Basically left to consider surrogacy vs adoption.  This debate went on in my head for a little bit, but when it came down to it.  I felt sad at the idea that our child would not be genetically connected to at least one of us.  I fell in love with the idea that we could have a child that was connected to my husband - and so the research on surrogacy began.  I presented the idea to my husband, and he agreed this was going to the best route for us to have a family.

We explore agencies vs independently hiring someone and began to get overwhelmed  by the lack of understanding of how this entire process works.  Thankfully, I had found a former coworker who had been through the process and was able to meet with us and explain how they came to have their daughter.  It was comforting to know someone personally who had been through the process and it worked out for.  It was inspiring and suddenly the idea of having a child became possible.

Stay tuned....

5 years

Today is my five year cancerversary~  I recognize that this is an amazing milestone in the life of a cancer survivor.  It's hard for me to believe that I am here.  I remember when I was first diagnosedand inundated with facts and stats about survivorship and prognosis that all studies show a "five year survival rate."  I remember thinking "well, why is it 5 years? what about breaking it down to 1 year or 2 years" because 5 years at the time seemed so far away, and totally unattainable.  I had a difficult time seeing past the present and could not even imagine a future.  Cancer stunted my ability to see beyond the moment and the idea of a future became unknown and very scary.  

Now, here I am five years later.   I am aware that there are so many survivors that unfortunately do not make it to the five year mark, I am reminded of others I met along the way that have passed.  And I am truly grateful and appreciative that I am still here to tell the tale of my cancercrapness!  But, I have spent my day trying to capture what I am feeling on this day and I am overwhelmed with so many feelings.

I am sad, as I have thought alot about my friend Jennifer who isn't here to talk to about all of my feelings as I know that she could totally relate.  I am upset thinking about her passing, and really wishing she was here.

I am anxious, because every time I have a common ailment I think that I am dying and am quick to look up symptoms on line that make me even more nervous.  I have been to my physician more times in the past few years than in my whole life.  Especially now, as this cancerversary approached my mind and body have definitely been playing tricks on me and creating more ridiculous fears!  In fact, going back to to my physician tomorrow! 

I am frustrated, as I watch more and more of my close people have children and the challenges of my infertility become more apparent.   I get so angry when I think about all the cancer aftermath that I am left to sort through.

I am grateful, that I am here.  That I have been able to surpass this challenge that I have had in my life.  That I am a survivor and can see things through a lens that most people can't.  That I have been fortunate to meet so many other amazing survivors, and feel truly appreciative that our paths have crossed.  I know that had I not been diagnosed I would never have met so many amazing people.  I feel a sense of empowerment and become an cancer advocate is something that has become something that I feel fortunate to do. 

I am thankful to have my family and friends.  Through all of my craziness I have been fortunate to have so many loving people around me.  My husband, who was only my boyfriend at the time of diagnosis - takes one look at me and is totally aware of how I am feeling.  He knows when something is wrong, when something is right - just by looking at me.  He has been someone  who has more then proved that he is someone I can lean on, can turn to and despite how powerless cancer can make someone feel - he always made me feel empowered and that with him, everything is OK.  In fact, when with him everything is more then OK - it's great.  My family and friends have demonstrated an ability to rally around me and always be there.  I am thankful for their presence.

Even though I am here at the 5 year mark, I have to say a part of me wishes there were studies that findings spoke about 10 year and 15 year survival rates.  Because, now the future doesn't seem so uncertain and scary.  I can start to picture myself aging, and experiencing more wonderful things that this life has to offer.  Things don't seem so impossible anymore. 

Inspired by my friend

As per my last post, I wrote about my dear friend Jennifer whose fight with cancer was truly inspiring.  Unfortunatley, it deeply saddens me to admit thats she passed away a few days after that last post.   Her death hit me hard, but more so then making me sad - it has encouraged me to take advantage of life and every opportunity that it brings!  She was an amazing person, and not just because she was a cancer survivor.  I miss her terribly, and think of her all the time.

She is a driving force behind my becoming the a Regional Chair, and part of the Young Adult Leadership Committee for the I'm Too Young For This Cancer Foundation.  Jennifer and I met through this organization about a year and a half ago and I'm thankful everyday that I became a part of this amazing cause.  

On June 10th, the New York chapter of I'm too young for this (or I2Y as wel call it) is having it's annual "Un-Gala."  It's our area's biggest fundraiser of the year.  For those in the NY area, please come out andcelebrate survivorship with us!  Tickets are on sale now!  If you want to donate you can do that as well at http://ungala.i2y.com

Even though I am sad that Jennifer can't physically be there with me, I know she will be there in spirit!  

My 100th Post

This is apparently my 100th blog post!  Woo Hoo.  Unfortunately, what brings me to write is not out of joy or pleasure.  I am writing because I found out today, that a dear friend of mine may not have too much more time.  She, is only 30 years old and has been battling cancer for the past two years.  When I say battle, I mean battle.  A fight like one I have never witnessed.   Her cancer started in her heart, spread to her lungs, and is now in her brain.  She has had multiple open heart surgeries, hundreds of chemo treatments, nausea, fatigue, infections, too many tests and scans to count.   There is only so much fighting one person can do, and on one hand I want to tell her to keep on fighting - but on the other I want to assure her that it is understandable to want to stop.  I saw her today in ICU, after suffering a stroke.  She is paralyzed on one side of her body, and is suffering.  It was devastating to see.  And has made me very very angry and sad.  I ask for those of you out there who pray, please do so for her and her family. 

And after reading this please try to take a step back and appreciate all that is around you.  Because after seeing what horrible things are possible, at any age- for anyone - really puts things into perspective. 

Sick of it.

I am just sick of it.  Sick of having been diagnosed with cancer, sick of thinking about it, sick of worrying, sick of having reminders around me all the time of what happened, sick of being angry, sick of being frustrated, sick of being jealous and resentful of others without this burden, sick of being the "go to" person because I am a cancer survivor, sick of getting tested, sick of getting test results, sick of feeling powerless, sick of not knowing, sick of night sweats, sick of hot flashes, sick of periods that are barely periods that sometimes come and go when they feel like it, sick of being irregular, sick of feeling older than I am, sick of the idea that I cannot bare children, sick of all the feelings that topic brings up in me, sick of people around me having babies and my feeling negatively about it, sick of  the thought of my closest friend having a baby doesn't only bring up joy and happiness, sick of the negativity, sick of being a survivor.

Where does this rant come from?  I got my blood work results back.  And they remain consistent at 8.  Now, I KNOW that I SHOULD be grateful, happy, relieved, etc.  I SHOULDbe glad that my level hasn't gone up again.  But, the truth is at this point I am just riddled with anger and resentment.  Annoyed that the level didn't come back down to the usual 5 or 6.   Annoyed that I cannot just appreicate that fact that I am well and that it didn't go up.   I really want to feel happy, relieved, hopeful - but I don't.  Not today.  Not yet.  I just got the results and all I can really feel is just frustration and anger.  Both are feelings that I don't like - I don't like feeling this way.  

So sick of it.  Just sometimes wish all of it would just go away and leave me alone.  Reh.

Word.

So, the new year is upon us.  And, this year - 2009 will mark my five years from diagnosis.  January was the time of diagnosis, and July will mark five years NED.  They say that five years of no evidence of disease is a pretty good indicator that statistically, your cancer is gone.  So, a big year to say the least.  I don't want to get  ahead of myself, and jinx anything.  After all, my last blood work did show a slight increase in level, and I don't have a follow up until next month.  But, as the new year gets closer,  I am spending some time contemplating what it means to be so far out.  

I have a favor to ask.  I am asking all of you out there in blog world who may (or may not) be reading this for some help.  I would like to know in your own words (well word actually) what it would mean to you to be five years cancer free.  I am looking for one word actually, that can summarize what it means to be NED for five years.  I will fill you in on what it is for at a later date, but for right now I would like to know just a word.

Thanks, and I would like to wish you a very Happy and Healthy holiday season!!!!