5 years

Today is my five year cancerversary~  I recognize that this is an amazing milestone in the life of a cancer survivor.  It's hard for me to believe that I am here.  I remember when I was first diagnosedand inundated with facts and stats about survivorship and prognosis that all studies show a "five year survival rate."  I remember thinking "well, why is it 5 years? what about breaking it down to 1 year or 2 years" because 5 years at the time seemed so far away, and totally unattainable.  I had a difficult time seeing past the present and could not even imagine a future.  Cancer stunted my ability to see beyond the moment and the idea of a future became unknown and very scary.  

Now, here I am five years later.   I am aware that there are so many survivors that unfortunately do not make it to the five year mark, I am reminded of others I met along the way that have passed.  And I am truly grateful and appreciative that I am still here to tell the tale of my cancercrapness!  But, I have spent my day trying to capture what I am feeling on this day and I am overwhelmed with so many feelings.

I am sad, as I have thought alot about my friend Jennifer who isn't here to talk to about all of my feelings as I know that she could totally relate.  I am upset thinking about her passing, and really wishing she was here.

I am anxious, because every time I have a common ailment I think that I am dying and am quick to look up symptoms on line that make me even more nervous.  I have been to my physician more times in the past few years than in my whole life.  Especially now, as this cancerversary approached my mind and body have definitely been playing tricks on me and creating more ridiculous fears!  In fact, going back to to my physician tomorrow! 

I am frustrated, as I watch more and more of my close people have children and the challenges of my infertility become more apparent.   I get so angry when I think about all the cancer aftermath that I am left to sort through.

I am grateful, that I am here.  That I have been able to surpass this challenge that I have had in my life.  That I am a survivor and can see things through a lens that most people can't.  That I have been fortunate to meet so many other amazing survivors, and feel truly appreciative that our paths have crossed.  I know that had I not been diagnosed I would never have met so many amazing people.  I feel a sense of empowerment and become an cancer advocate is something that has become something that I feel fortunate to do. 

I am thankful to have my family and friends.  Through all of my craziness I have been fortunate to have so many loving people around me.  My husband, who was only my boyfriend at the time of diagnosis - takes one look at me and is totally aware of how I am feeling.  He knows when something is wrong, when something is right - just by looking at me.  He has been someone  who has more then proved that he is someone I can lean on, can turn to and despite how powerless cancer can make someone feel - he always made me feel empowered and that with him, everything is OK.  In fact, when with him everything is more then OK - it's great.  My family and friends have demonstrated an ability to rally around me and always be there.  I am thankful for their presence.

Even though I am here at the 5 year mark, I have to say a part of me wishes there were studies that findings spoke about 10 year and 15 year survival rates.  Because, now the future doesn't seem so uncertain and scary.  I can start to picture myself aging, and experiencing more wonderful things that this life has to offer.  Things don't seem so impossible anymore. 

Comments

[nathaniel]

beautifully written. congratulations.

[Vicki]

Congratulations on 5 years Jen.. always good to read up on how you are doing.

[Denise]

Congrats on your milemark.

Another ovarian cancer survivor